On the Other Side of Grief
by sheepish123
Summary: After the emotional cases they have both had to endure lately, Amanda is determined to move forward with Olivia and take their relationship to the next level. Takes place a few weeks after "Remember Me/Remember Me Too". One-shot. Amanda/Olivia pairing.


**This fic takes place a few weeks after the two-part finale of season 19 and makes references to that episode and "The Book of Esther".**

 **Life has been pretty tough lately, so I needed to take a short break from my darker stories and write something a bit more positive instead. I was in the mood for some cheesy fluff in the form of Rolivia cuddles. Olivia and Amanda are in an established relationship in this story, and Noah, Jesse and Frannie don't exist.**

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Amanda is drifting in and out of a troubled sleep on the couch in her living room, the television flickering eerily in the dimness of the apartment as she shifts restlessly on the cushions and kicks the blanket onto the floor when she turns over. The TV is playing on a low volume as the murmur of voices from the characters on screen mix in with the myriad of confusing dreams that whirl through her brain in bits and pieces; fragmented memories of the turbulent cases they have been involved in during the past few weeks combining with the goofy plotline that is playing out in the Netflix movie.

A key turning in the lock of the front door startles Amanda into dazed wakefulness, reaching up to rub one of her eyes and blinking sleepily at the tall, shadowy figure that tiptoes toward her and drops down onto her knees next to the couch. Amanda mutters something unintelligible under her breath and watches the blurry form of her girlfriend smile gently in response, sighing contentedly when Olivia begins stroking a tender hand over her rumpled blonde hair.

"Sorry, baby, I didn't mean to wake you," Olivia apologizes softly, Amanda inclining her head upwards when the older woman leans down to brush a plump pair of lips against her own.

"No, it's okay, Liv," she replies in a scratchy tone, clearing her throat to find her voice again. "I'm glad you did."

"More bad dreams?" Olivia questions in concern, quirking an eyebrow as that dark, knowing gaze bores steadily into Amanda's tired blue eyes.

"Not bad, necessarily..." Amanda trails off as she fishes around on the cushions for the remote and flicks the television off so she can concentrate fully on Olivia. "More like weird. Just everything jumbled together into one big mess."

"Yup, I've been having plenty of those kinds of dreams myself lately," Olivia replies quietly, Amanda moving into a sitting position and dropping a kiss on top of the lieutenant's head as Olivia lays her head down in her lap.

"I know you have, honey," she confirms sympathetically, scratching her nails lightly against the other woman's scalp and winding a finger around thick, silky tresses. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Amanda feels Olivia's head shake against her thighs and she places another light kiss into sweet-smelling hair, the faint scent of strawberry shampoo wafting into her nostrils and feeling the slight quivering of the exhausted body below her own, deciding to change tactics. "How was work today?"

"Long," Olivia sighs wearily, peeking up at Amanda with one large brown eye as her head shifts to the side on her lap. "I kept thinking about you relaxing on your day off and wishing I could be here too. I'm just glad to be home with you now, though."

"I'm glad too," Amanda responds softly, gazing lovingly down at the brunette as her heart leaps with sudden excitement inside her chest at Olivia's choice of words.

It has been somewhat of a rocky personal journey for the two of them over the course of the past seven years; moving very gradually from colleagues who could barely stand to be in the same room together to tentative friends who began seeing each other outside of the precinct for dinners and movies and walks in the park. Their friendship had begun slowly evolving into something much more when it became obvious that deeper feelings were present, and they have now been dating for several months, exchanging keys to one another's apartments but having yet to take the next big step of moving in together despite dancing around the topic more often lately.

Their burgeoning relationship has at times seemed overshadowed by the crushing emotion of recent cases, Amanda grappling with the aftermath of her accidental killing of Esther Labott and Olivia struggling with horrific memories of William Lewis after being involved in an intense and prolonged hostage situation that had forced her to recall events better left forgotten. Now more than ever, Amanda lives for moments like these between she and Olivia, relishing in the peaceful quiet of their shared time together when it is just the two of them and no one else; when they are free to cuddle and converse and make love and don't have to worry about anyone but themselves, the rest of the world falling away as they take solace in only each other.

"Come up here with me," Amanda murmurs into Olivia's hair, giving her a quick peck on the temple before sliding her hands underneath the taller woman's arms and tugging gently. "I need a snuggle."

She hears the lilting chuckle that emits from Olivia's mouth and smiles in return as her girlfriend gets settled on the couch beside her, both women automatically leaning into one another's bodies in search of warmth and comfort. Olivia is the only person on the planet that she has ever felt this at ease with; where it's perfectly okay to let go of the usual tough-as-nails persona that she has adopted for field work and interrogating suspects, and allowing herself to be much more soft and mellow.

As they have gotten to know each other on a considerably deeper and more intimate level, Amanda has been pleased and honored to witness Olivia letting down her own guard as well, showing a side of herself that is rarely seen beyond the walls of either of their apartments, the two of them existing together in their own little bubble when they are alone. The close relationship they share, a relationship that means more to Amanda than any other, is the only thing that has gotten her through these tumultuous and devastating weeks, her personal torment temporarily assuaged whenever she is resting in Olivia's arms.

She knows they will both eventually be okay but that it will take some time to heal and come to terms with all that has happened lately, wondering how she would have made it through everything without Olivia in her life; without this special connection that she cherishes so much, their natural ability to read one another so well and know just what the other needs at any given moment. What Amanda appreciates the most about their relationship are the times when no words are needed; when nothing has to be said and they just rest in a warm tangle of limbs, wrapped in one another's embrace and listening to each other breathe, their hearts beating in tandem, much like they are doing right now.

She bends over to pick up the discarded blanket from the floor and tuck the soft material around their entwined forms, creating a tight cocoon of coziness on the cushions and once again breathing in Olivia's familiar scent when the older woman lays a dark head on her shoulder. "You should get out of your work clothes," Amanda suggests drowsily, plucking at the blazer that Olivia is wearing and thinking of the top drawer of her dresser that she had cleared out so her girlfriend is able to keep some clothing there. "They can't be too comfortable."

"Hmm, you just want to get me naked so you can have your way with me," Olivia mumbles with a laugh, Amanda tightening her arms around the other woman when she feels her snuggle even closer.

"Well, as tempting as that scenario is, I think we would both end up falling asleep during the foreplay and wouldn't even make it to the actual sex," Amanda snickers in fatigue, a low throb of arousal making itself known between her legs despite how utterly exhausted she is.

"Foreplay?" Olivia leans away from her to arch a skeptical eyebrow, her thumb drawing slow circles on Amanda's forearm. "If I seem to recall correctly, there hasn't been much foreplay involved at any point in our relationship. More like taking each other against the nearest wall or counter or coffee table and not even making it into bed."

A hot blush creeps up Amanda's neck to infuse her pale cheeks with bright spots of color as she remembers with acute clarity how many times in the past she and Olivia have been so desperate for each other that any given spot in the apartment has become a suitable place to engage in sexual activity. For as many peaceful, silent moments that they share together, there is an equal amount of energy and passion to create a healthy balance, each woman coming close to devouring the other when the simmering lust and desire rise up and threaten to explode.

This is not one of those times, though, and Amanda knows that their gentle teasing will not lead to anything more, at least not tonight; and she is content with that knowledge, only wanting to remain cuddled up in Olivia's strong arms. Her tired brain has begun whirling with thoughts of the future as they sit there side by side, one of Amanda's legs slung over the top of Olivia's thighs and the older woman continuing to draw light patterns against her heated skin.

The thoughts in her head have been quite bleak over the past several weeks, as she has dealt with the guilt and agony of taking an innocent life and has watched Olivia wrestle so hard with her own demons, both of them waking up in a cold sweat more than once in the middle of the night. Now, however, all of that recent anguish is fading somewhat as she allows herself to think of the future she could have with Olivia, in taking that next big step of moving in together and further cementing the bond and closeness they share.

"So I have a proposition for you," Amanda murmurs a bit uncertainly, pressing a soft kiss to the side of Olivia's neck and listening to the pleased hum that sounds in return.

"Oh, yeah? And what's that?" Olivia replies as Amanda places another kiss on the velvety skin when the brunette arches her neck for more. "A sexual proposition?"

"Olivia Benson, your mind is in the gutter tonight," Amanda chastises playfully, giving her ribs a gentle pinch and smirking as she listens to the undignified squeal in response. "And no, it's not a sexual proposition."

"Well, what is it, then?" Olivia has leaned slightly away from her now, her expression more serious as the lieutenant's long fingers lace through Amanda's own smaller digits and give a brief squeeze.

"I was just wondering..."

Amanda trails off again and watches as Olivia's eyebrows raise expectantly, the older woman wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her impossibly closer. "Wondering what? You can ask me anything, babe."

"Well, considering how tough things have been for both of us lately and how we've talked many times about the importance of continuing to move forward through all of the grief and pain, to keep trying to make it through to the other side..." Amanda swallows hard and is surprised to feel tears pricking at her eyelids, a swell of deep emotion rising within her chest. "I was thinking we could start by moving in with each other, either here or at your place, or even an entirely new apartment that we can choose together."

Amanda's gaze has fallen to her lap, blue eyes trained sharply on the fuzzy material of the blanket that is swaddling them both, and when she dares to glance up again, she is surprised to see that Olivia's eyes are glittering with unshed tears as well, the brunette looking just as emotional as she herself is becoming. The love that she feels for this woman holding onto her so tightly, a feeling that has never been spoken aloud as just asking Olivia to move in with her is taking all of Amanda's strength, is overwhelming in its intensity and she swallows hard against the lump forming in her throat.

She has never felt this way for another person before; her life has never felt so complete and so right, despite the turmoil she has been drowning in lately, and Amanda grits her teeth as she steels herself for Olivia's possible rejection, unsure if the older woman is ready for this big of a commitment. There is nothing in the way Olivia has acted during the entirety of their romantic relationship that indicates imminent rejection or that her depth of feeling doesn't reach the same level as Amanda's does, but nevertheless, she cannot help the shudder of fear that runs the length of her body.

"Sweetheart, you're shaking," Olivia says with obvious concern, Amanda feeling herself being hoisted into the taller woman's lap and cradled against her chest; an action that Olivia takes whenever she seems to feel that her girlfriend needs a bit of extra comfort and care and one that had been repeated several times in the days immediately following Esther's death.

If any of Amanda's previous significant others had dared try a gesture like this, she would have pulled away roughly while snarling at them to stop treating her like a baby and would have possibly considered ending the relationship. Everything is different with Olivia, though; a level of tenderness and compassion that she has never known before, and that only serves to make her feel safe and secure instead of looked down upon, like she is less than or lacking in maturity.

"Are you afraid I'm going to say no?" Olivia's voice is hushed when she speaks again, and Amanda finds herself eye to eye with the woman she loves, smooth fingertips resting beneath her chin to tilt her head up after she has buried her face in Olivia's shoulder.

"Well, the thought did cross my mind," Amanda admits in a ragged whisper, shrugging her shoulders and fiddling with a loose thread that is sticking out from the arm of Olivia's blazer. "I know we're both kind of raw right now with everything that's happened lately, and I don't want you to think I'm just jumping into this because I've been in so much pain and I'm trying to make things better by doing this with you without giving it a lot of thought first-"

"I don't think that at all," Olivia's soft but firm voice cuts her off mid-sentence, the brunette's knuckles trailing back and forth along Amanda's prominent cheekbone as they stare intently at each other. "I think we're ready to take the next step and we're definitely not rushing it. It's something that I've given a lot of thought to, and I think you have as well. And I agree with what you said about trying to keep moving forward through the pain. There can be a lot of joy on the other side of grief."

Amanda is too stunned to respond for a moment, unsure of why she is so shocked at Olivia's instant agreement when everything has been going so well between them for quite a long time now and living in the same apartment is the next natural step to take together. It only takes seconds for the shock to wear off enough to have Amanda winding her arms around Olivia's neck in a sudden flurry of passion, pressing her mouth urgently against the lieutenant's and feeling Olivia's lips part to the slight pressure of her tongue.

They kiss wildly for several minutes, a brief respite from the exhaustion as fingers tangle into hair and Amanda fully straddles Olivia's lap, her knees coming to rest on either side of the older woman's thighs as they press into the couch cushions. She can barely contain the emotion that is threatening to burst forth from within, the joy that Olivia has just mentioned making itself known in the warmth that spreads throughout Amanda's chest and dulling the intense pain that has been hanging over her like a dark cloud for weeks now.

"I love you," she gasps heatedly into Olivia's mouth, the words spilling from her lips before Amanda can stop them and tensing up when she realizes what she has just said, wondering if she has pushed things a bit too far between them that night.

"That's the first time you've ever said that to me," Olivia murmurs in awe as Amanda finds herself being pushed gently away so they are eye to eye once again, brown orbs boring unblinkingly into blue as Olivia loops her arms around her back.

"Well, I've been wanting to say it for a very long time," Amanda acknowledges softly, reaching up to tuck Olivia's hair behind her ears and smoothing her thumb underneath one eye to catch a teardrop that is about to fall.

"I hope those are happy tears and you're not crying because you don't want to hurt my feelings by dumping me," Amanda chuckles weakly, chiding herself for being so uncharacteristically insecure and recognizing how much their recent cases have taken a toll on her.

"Why would I dump you after I just agreed to move in together, you goof?" Olivia gives a watery laugh and shakes her head, a tremulous smile stretching across Amanda's face in return and tears welling up in her own eyes. "I feel the same way. I love you too and have also been wanting to say it for a very long time. I think I even loved you way back at the start, when you first transferred to New York and drove me absolutely crazy."

Amanda is choked up with elated giggles now, the tears rolling down her face without stopping and admitting that it was the same for her; that underneath the stress of moving to a new city and starting a new job and trying to impress the person she idolized most in the world, a love for Olivia has resided there since the very beginning, that all-consuming feeling blooming inside when she had first laid eyes on this gorgeous, magnificent woman seven years ago and only growing stronger with every passing day.

They have always been there for each other, through the best of times and the worst of the times and everything in between, no matter if they are fighting or getting along, and Amanda knows that they will continue to help one another through the trials that are being experienced now; that even though they will never forget the events that have taken place over the course of the past several weeks, they will eventually be able to move forward and emerge stronger than before.

The promise of a bright future with Olivia is the light that is shining through the darkness, the enduring hope and radiant joy that lies on the other side of grief.


End file.
